Take a Chance You Stupid Ho (Whatcha Waiting For?)

by Bear Elle

A year ago I had a list of goals for my future. I wanted a 5-10 acre farm and then, someday, a larger farm in a more ideal location after I had a chance to travel some. Then I would make art and blog or make videos? Honestly, I don't remember. But that was my... ultimate life goal.
Looking back, the natural look on my face when I think about it is one of concern, a touch of disgust. Those goals look so sad to me now. 

I thought I had it finally figured out, but I was still lost.

Give Yourself Permission

When you want to do something and everyone shits on it, you're likely to do one of two things. You'll either give up, or you'll decide to support yourself. 
It's a lonely road to pursue "crazy" ideas. So you go it alone. You do your best to drown out as much of the negativity as possible and you keep doing it anyway. When no one else believes in you, you have to believe in yourself. When no one else will hire you, hire yourself. 

a Lonely Road

When you have a unique vision, you have a hard time finding people who will live up to the idea in your head. One of the reasons my dreams were so small was because my team was so small. As in, I was the whole team. I could hardly find people to support me from the outside. The idea that I could find someone who would actually understand and believe in my goals to my standards? Impossible.
How could I grow if I couldn't do more work? "One limitation I dearly regret, there is only one of me I've ever met." 

Updown Court

It's one of those names I'll never forget. I still think it represents something to me today. I first saw it on an episode of "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Updown Court is a mansion that neighbors royalty in England. It's huge and very expensive. (70 million with 103 rooms on 58 acres) It was my dream house. It's a reminder of how big my dreams once were.
As my ex's mom would say, I had caviar and champagne taste on a beer and peanuts budget. (To this day I fucking HATE that expression.) I definitely spent most of my time dreaming of 70 million dollar houses and $700 shoes. I also spent basically none of my time doing anything to make that a possibility.

When Life Humbles You

Over the next few years things only got worse. It was like I was watching myself light my potential on fire. I didn't have a clue how to fix it and I didn't know anyone who knew how to help either. So I just started doing things. Some of them worked out, some less so.
I went to and finished beauty school. I finally had a backup "career." But I was still unsatisfied with life. I still had the itch to be an artist. Most of my high school and post high school time most of the people I knew told me that I was making a mistake. That it was my destiny to go into animation.
Out of ideas to solve my depressive episode, I signed up for art school. 
So here's the thing about animators. They sit behind a computer for many hours everyday making teeny tiny adjustments. After nine months it was clear art school was a joke. It was not worth the money I didn't even have that I was now dumping into the place. So I quit.
I don't regret quitting. If I was going to regret that phase I'd regret signing up at all. 20k plus severe interest and everything I learned in that time I could have googled in a day for free. But regret gets you nowhere.

Dream Bigger

It's pretty overwhelming to realize that my dreams were so beaten down. I definitely would have told you I had a good handle on it at the time, I thought it was a great plan. I'm pretty blown away. 
I was struggling with the fact that I wanted something that didn't exist and didn't even make sense to me at the time. I want a daydream fairy tale. Most the people around me still want me to be realistic. The difference is I've stopped listening.
My dreams now are pretty abstract. Not that they aren't solid. I definitely have a much better handle on all that. They just leave room for magic.
They are impossible and I wouldn't want it any other way. 
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible.'
-Audrey Hepburn

So What Changed?

I found someone else not just on my level, but far above me. On levels I can only wish to reach. My eyes were opened. The game changed forever.
I wrote my original goal list on New Years of 2020. By April I threw it out. I couldn't keep up. It kept looking too basic.
I completely leveled up what I believed was possible. Almost overnight. I thought I was on a completely different life track. For the first time in my life everything was seemingly perfect. 
Or so I thought...

Hearing, Not Listening

I'm from Seattle, we have something called the Seattle freeze. What this means is that we are so antisocial that if strangers smile at us we look away. Passive aggressive is the language of the land. 
I've always been a much more honest and transparent person. So I didn't realize how much I had fallen pray to this behavior as well. 
After a rough October, I committed to improving my communication skills. Besides personal social skills, my business communication skills could definitely use some work.
I have always been the go to for confrontational situations. My friends and family know that I will say the thing or deal with the problem. Sure I shake like a mouse inside, but I'm not one to shy from challenge, till it's something I really don't want to lose. 
So now I just ask. I get it over with. If I'm feeling some kind of way, I work it out then and there. Now I'm working on the right time and place. I still vote have the conversation as soon as possible. There will never be a "good" time. But there can definitely be times that aren't so appropriate.

Now I Look Forward to Growth

I can't wait to see how big my dreams can get. I'm always stepping up my plans now. I'm always finding better options now. I'm always raising my standards now. 

I work smarter.

What's My Point?

You know. I don't know. I'm hoping telling more of my story gives some take away to others. That you get something from my own struggles and such. 

Take Aways

  • Set impossible dreams and then make them possible. Don't let anyone stop you.
  • Never settle. I could kick myself for the years I spent settling for dreams that were less.
  • Your people are out there. Keep looking. You don't have to go it alone.
  • Never stop believing in yourself. 
It's good for dreamers to find each other. I hope I can be that person for some of you. Know that I support your impossible dreams. We need to look out for each other.
If you have any questions or concerns, comment below or email me at bear@withlovebear.net.